Your best jokes...

[LittleLotte394]

Hi, all! This thread is obviously for the best jokes you've got, Phantom or not. (I'm the new Seuss ;D!) Here's my little piece of laughter (WARNING: If you don't like sacreligious jokes, this is not for you.):

Jesus was walking through Jerusalem one day when He noticed a crowd of people about to stone a young woman. He walked up to the head of the crowd, and gave a short sermon about forgiveness and all that. He then said, "Let one who is without sin now throw the first stone." A rock came flying out of the crowd and hit the poor woman. Jesus sighed and said, "Mom! I'm trying to make a point here!"

[Simple Rose]

lol!!! I'm a Christian but i take very limited offense to those jokes... in fact, I have one of my own. Not to start a trend of sacreligiousness, but you brought this one to mind lol

It was the day of the crucifixion and Peter stood at the bottom of the hill, weeping and mourning. All of a sudden he hears a small voice calling out:

"Peter... come to me, Peter..."

So, he runs up the hill to meet Jesus' request, only to be shoved back down by the guards. A few minutes later, he hears the calling again:

"Peter... come to me, Peter"

And so he, once more, runs up the hill. This time, he makes it to the base of the cross before the guards have to peel him off and throw him back down. Yet another few minutes later, now bruised and very, very sore, Peter hears the calling again!

"Peter, come to me, Peter!"

So, this time, he barges up the hill, past the guards, and climbs up the back of the cross while fighting off the arms of the guards. Breathing heavily, and supporting himself weakly near the top of the cross, he finally rests.

"I'm here, Lord, what did you want?"

"Peter... I can see your house from here..."

[Angel]

Oh, I love jokes! And considering that I'm Christian and part Irish, I reckon I've built up a pretty thick skin when it comes to the more politically incorrect ones I'm always the one telling Irish (or blonde) jokes, at any rate. One of my favourites is:

An Irishman walks into a pub and orders three pints. He takes a sip from one, then the next, then the next, and then starts again while the bartender watches in confusion. When the Irishman orders a second round, the bartender tells him that it's better to get one pint at a time so the rest don't get warm.

"Oh, no," says the Irishman. "You see, I have two brothers. One lives in America and one in Australia. When we parted ways, we promised that we'd always drink like this so we could think of each other."

The bartender thought the story was very heartfelt and gave the Irishman another three pints. The Irishman soon became a regular at the bar, always ordering three pints at a time, and always sipping them alternately, much to the amusement of the other regulars, who quickly learnt his story.

One day, the Irishman came in, looking a little glum and ordered two pints. The bartender, a bit confused, gave him the drinks and watched as the Irishman slowly sipped from one, then the other. Finally, the bartender bent down to the Irishman.

"I just wanted to say that I am truly sorry for your loss."

The Irishman looks up. "What loss?"

"Well, you only ordered two pints," the bartender says, uncomfortably. "I meant to say that I'm sorry that your brother died."

The Irishman thinks for a minute, then laughs and says:

"Oh, no, nobody has died. I've just decided to give up drinking."

[LittleLotte394]

Nice jokes . Here's one my friend told me:
A teacher told her class to use the following words in a sentence: "green," "pink," and "yellow." Little Mary, at the back of the room, stands and says, "The phone goes, 'green, green.' I pink up the phone and say, 'Yellow.'"

Kids, eh ?

[Simple Rose]

lol awww that's so cute!

I have way too big a stash of blonde jokes...

So this blonde walks into a hunting store and asks if they have any alligator shoes. Snickering, the owner politely tells the blonde that no, they do not. Frustrated but determined, the blonde huffs and buys a rifle.

The next day, the owner is driving down the road and is just crossing a country bridge when he sees the blonde trudging through the water of the river. Fascinated, he pulls over and watches as the blonde shoots and pulls out a massive alligator, and proceeds to drag it over to the shore where about twelve other alligators are lying.

Impressed, the shopowner listens intently as he hears the blonde huff and say "Argh, this one isn't wearing shoes either!"

[Angel]

Yay for blonde jokes (no offense to blondes, though)! Here's another one:

It's a quiet day in the bar when suddenly a huge group of blondes burst in, all yelling and cheering, "56 days! 56 days! 56 days!"

The bartender looks up as they all run for the bar to order drinks. He thinks it's a bit odd, but hey, each to their own. They sit down and begin to drink, but a moment later another, even bigger group of blondes runs in, also yelling, "56 days! 56 days! 56 days!"

The bartender serves them all drinks, too, and they join the rest of the blondes, where they continue to keep up their chant. Finally, another group of blondes comes in, bigger than both the others combined, still yelling, "56 days! 56 days! 56 days!"

By now the bartender is seriously weirded out and goes over to the blondes' table. In the centre is a beautifully framed children's jigsaw puzzle of the Cookie Monster.

"What's all this about?" the bartender asks the nearest blonde, still completely confused.


"Well," the blonde says, excitedly, "we all decided to prove that blondes aren't stupid and we thought that this puzzle would be the best way to do it. You see, on the box it says two to four years, but we finished is in 56 days!"

[LittleLotte394]

lol, great jokes! Not exactly a joke, but a poem my cousin told me- really not for little kids, but if you must...

Hey diddle diddle, the cat took a piddle
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun,
And then died of electric shock.

Sorry. I felt compelled .

[Angel]

I have no words. And the sad thing is that my friend and I wrote something even stupider on a sugar at one point ... Wow, LittleLotte, your cousin knows some, um, classics? I should tell that one to my granddad. He'd love it.

[LittleLotte394]

You bet my cousin has some weird stuff up his sleeve. Here's some from a friend...

Mary had a little lamb,
But it's come to the worst, I fear.
'Cause now Mary has a new wool coat
and chops to last a year.

Mary had a little lamb...
Sure, you've heard that before.
But did you know she passed her plate
And had a little more?

[Angel]

Not to start a trend of morbid Mary jokes, but ...

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead
And now it comes to school with her
Between two hunks of bread

...

[LittleLotte394]

I've noticed that few people are aware that there are almost as many brunette jokes as blonde jokes. So at our expense, fellow brunettes:

What's black, blue, brown, and lying in the bottom of a ditch? A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette? A hostage.

What do you call a brunette whose phone rings on a Saturday night? Shocked.

You know why the Indians never scalped brunettes? The hair from a buffalo's backside is more manageable.

[Angel]

My younger sister is a blonde who loves brunette jokes ... I've heard the first two, but not the others (I actually quite like the buffalo one ). Here's another:

What does a brunette miss the most about a great party? The invitation.

[LittleLotte394]

Not to start a trend of hair-color jokes- however:

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all went to a new health spa for the day. The had a great time, and after a delicious lunch, they decided to freshen up in the ladies' room. An old woman sat in front of the restrooms, and as the three friends were walking in, she said, "Listen! In the ladies' room is a new mirror. If you look in it and state a fact about yourself, you will get your heart's desire. But beware, for if you say a lie about yourself, you will be sucked into the mirror for eternity." The trio was quite interested, and decided to check this mirror out. They spotted the correct mirror immediately- it was large, and very ornate. The redhead walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the prettiest one here." Ten hundred-dollar bills appeared in her purse. Next was the brunette. She walked up to the mirror, said, "I think I'm the smartest one here," and was presented with the keys to a mansion in Palm Beach. Then the blonde walked to the mirror. She confidently began, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

Feel free to insert your favorite hair color minority in place of the blonde .

[Angel]

Okay, here's one I modified to make it POTO-ish ...

Wifebeater!Raoul, Snugglebunny!Erik, SexKitten!Christine and Meg were walking down the street and saw a $100 bill in the middle of the road. Who got to it first?

Meg. The other three are figments of the imagination.

[Simple Rose]

Ahahahahahahahaha....

Oh that was good. That was excellent lol I'll have to use that in my "Keep the Characters IN-Character" thread on POTO.com.

Why couldn't G-unit get on the bus?

...cause they didn't have fifty cent.

[Jaycee]

Angel, that joke was PERFECT! And I'll have to check out that thread of yours on POTO.com, Em.

[LittleLotte394]

You know what, Angel? That's funny because it's true!!

[Hi-chan]

Okay, I know this thread is kind of old (since before I came here!), but I couldn't resist posting this any longer. Tee...this one is for those of you who A) aren't too terribly offended by religious jokes, and B) are computer geeks such as myself.

My dad told this to me quite a while ago and it's quite good! Here it is:

One day, Jesus and the Devil were having an arguement about who was the best computer programmer. Each one seemed to think it was himself.

"You're wrong!" said the Devil. "I'm the better programmer!"

"No, I'm pretty sure that I'm the better programmer," Jesus said calmly.

They had been at it for quite a while, so finally, a bit tired of the arguing, God comes down and says, "Look, why don't you have a contest to see who's the better programmer?"

They both thought it was a good idea. They were given a three-hour time limit to create a program, and whoever's was better was the winner.

The time started, and the Devil right away started to furiously peck at his laptop, while Jesus took his time, making sure all the little details were just right.

About 2 1/2 hours into the contest, there was a lightning storm and the power went out as a result. 'Shoot!' thought the Devil. 'I just lost my entire program because of that stupid lightning!'

When the remaining time elapsed, God came back down and said, "Alright, time's up. Devil, let's see what you've got."

"I've got nothing," the Devil spat angrily. "I lost it when the power went out."

"Oh...what a pity," God said, turning to Jesus. "Alright then, Son, let's see yours."

Jesus cut on the power on the laptop. Lights flashed on the screen and music played, and everything ran smoothly.

"What?? How can this be?" The Devil shouted. "I lost my entire program when the lightning storm hit!"

God turned to the Devil and said to him, "Why is it such a surprise to you? You should know by now: Jesus saves!"

;D;; Heh. I thought it was funny.

Here's another one, you've probably all heard this one, but I'm going to put it up because I like it. I apologize in advance if anyone is offended, as I have very few prejudices and the content of the joke is not one of them...I just think it's funny, but it's also kind of messed up. Here goes:

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were about to be excecuted. They are placed in front of a wall, staring down a firing squad. The leader asked each of them if they had any last words. None replied.

Just as the coundown began, the redhead suddenly shouted "TORNADO!!" The firing squad was freaked out of their wits and lost their calm; while they were running around panicked, the redhead sneaked off and got away safely.

When the squad regained their cool, they began the countdown again. As they were reaching the final number and the squad had their rifles at the ready, the brunette suddenly shouted "EARTHQUAKE!!" The squad panicked again and the brunette slipped off and got away safely.

By now, the blonde had figured out what was going, and knew exactly what to do to also get away safely without being noticed. As the squad went to the ready, the blonde stood straight up, smiling confidently. As the final coundown began, the blonde shouted "FIRE!!"

XDDD

Like I said, no offense was intended, just thought I'd warn ya...^.^;; ::Puts on helmet and armor, waiting for the stones to strike her::

[Jaycee]

Ok, I have two that I wasn't going to post because I didn't want to offend anybody, but everyone else is doing blonde and religious jokes so I think I'll be ok.

There's a blonde, a brunette and a redhead (these ones are men) They're construction workers. At lunch one day, the redhead takes out his sandwich and says "If I get turkey one more time, I'll jump off this building". The brown haired guy takes out his sandwich and says "If I get tuna again, I'll jump off this building". The blond takes out his sandwich and says "If I get balogna again I'll jump off this building".

The next day, they all get the sandwiches they didn't want and they all jump off. At the funeral, the redhead's wife says "Why didn't he tell me he didn't like turkey?". The Brown haired guy's wife says "Why didn't he tell me he didn't like tuna?" and the Blonde's wife said "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch".

and another one

One day, Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf. Jesus shoots straight for the water trap, but it rolld right across the surface and it lands very close to the hole. . Moses shoots for the water as well but the water gets out of the way for his ball and it goes right next to the hole. Then the old man shoots it into the water. IT doesn't go across and the water doesn't move but instead it gets stuck in a fish's mouth, the fish is caught by a passing heron, and just as the heron passes over the hole, the fish drops the ball. It lands right in the hole.

Moses turns to Jesus and says "I hate playing with your dad".

[Angel]

Here's another of my favourites ... and, incredibly, it's not centred around blondes, Irishmen, religion or even bars! (Most of my jokes are bar jokes )

A policeman is setting up speed cameras on a highway and notices one car driving very carefully -- sticking exactly to the speed limit, giving other cars plenty of room and indicating whenever he changed lanes. Smiling, the policeman beckoned to the driver, who pulled over immediately.

"What did I do wrong, officer?" he asked, looking worried.

"Nothing!" replied the policeman. "In fact, you've won the Safe Driver of the Year Award! That's one hundred thousand dollars in prize money! Congratulations! What do you think you'll do with all that money?"

"Well," the guy says, thoughtfully," I suppose I could always get that driver's license I've been meaning to."

"Oh, don't listen to him," the driver's wife says. "He always says things like that when he's drunk."

Their son in the backseat then yelled out, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

Then a knock was heard from the boot and a small voice called out, "Are we over the border yet?"